Almost Done by Andrew Saxsma

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Lester Curtis
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Re: Almost Done by Andrew Saxsma

Post by Lester Curtis »

The first two paragraphs were excellent, but then in the third, Mr. Saxsma broke the fourth wall:
He was tired, so tired. You could see it in his eyes.
There were a few other minor hiccups; for instance,
He reached up, plucked the cigarette from his lips, flicked the cigarette down a storm drain, then put his hands back into his pockets while he exhaled smoke.
The unneeded repetition of "cigarette" wasn't so bad, but I stumbled a little over how the guy got both hands in his pockets while holding the briefcase. Immediately after that, it seemed unwarranted for Ray to get so freaked over the guy outside; Ray's apparent overreaction pulled me out of the story a little. Also, right about here
"Did you knock boots with any of the locals, Ray?" he finally said. "I won't remind you how important it is that you tell me the truth now."
I'm expecting Ray to start asking to see a badge or something. Finally, why a snubby, instead of something less noisy and more accurate?

Picky, picky, picky. I've been a little grouchy lately. Really, though, this story should be used as an example of how to write description, most especially of characters' body language.

The ending was great, too.
I was raised by humans. What's your excuse?
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