A lot of telling; not so much showing.
I noticed only two mechanical glitches in it: one was a homophone swap of 'discrete' for 'discreet.' The other was this:
Maybe there's nothing missing from the manuscript, but it feels a bit like there is, and that "enter>Conversation" line fairly screams, "Broken!"As the two officers watched, a maintenance man they both knew unlocked the door of the opposite storeroom and entered, carrying a meal tray from the staff kitchen. He left the door ajar. They couldn't see him after he moved out of their sightline, but they heard a table being pushed across the floor and the tray being dropped onto it.
"Here's your chow, kid. Eat up."
enter>Conversation
The Chief and the Captain glared at Yeoman's jailer, who was crestfallen and fearful. He knew what Zanadu's policy was toward errant employees. No one who stole from a guest was ever given a second chance.
Also, it took me too long to figure out where the story was going and that it was, in fact, a mystery story.
It was not a thriller.