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This story could almost be a parable for why you shouldn't bully someone, because you never know what could happen. As David Banner so aptly said in the 70's version of The Incredible Hulk, "Don't make me angry. You wouldn't like me when I'm angry."
- Lester Curtis
- Long Fiction Editor
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- Location: by the time you read this, I'll be somewhere else
The biggest problem I had with this story was that, for a good way into it I thought that the narrator was a girl. Guess I glossed over the name in the second paragraph, but just after the scene break, there are, first, the comments about the uniform: "far too revealing," "I looked stupid." "I looked really fat." These, especially the first and third, don't strike me as typical male concerns. As well, "I was being beaten by girls that started their race after I started mine." I don't know if boys and girls compete in track, but it seems highly unlikely; most sports are gender-segregated.
After that, I could pretty much figure out what was going to happen. That's the bad news. The good news is that you kept me reading just to see how it was going to happen, and maybe the extent of the damage.
You did quite a good job with that narrator's POV. I really liked that your MC is honestly baffled at the questions from the police, and the addition of the headache and the eye problems completed the picture very nicely. I honestly felt sorry for the poor schlub.
Dialog and characterization are very good, but setting description could maybe use more work. The description of the injuries from the machines baffled me.
The ending seemed weak to me in technicalities: where the hell was this guy's lawyer during the police questioning? Fingerprints on the machines? Witnesses? Sorry, no jail, tape or no tape. Yes, worse things happen in real life, but, as someone said, "The difference between fact and fiction is that fiction has to be believable."
Hope this helps.