The Mind Robbers by Donald Sullivan

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kailhofer
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The Mind Robbers by Donald Sullivan

Post by kailhofer »

Al Rice rides again, this time taking on the evil Gorojinh in a mental duel to decide the fate of the world.<br><br>Al moved away from the bait shop… I always thought that was part of his tongue-in-cheek appeal, that the fate of the world depended on a guy who sold worms for a living.<br><br>I see you took the advice from last time and gave him a backlash effect when he used his powers. That helped make Al more vulnerable, more appealing, in the face of all this power he suddenly has. Also, I couldn’t help but notice more sensory input, especially when Al sees Sue. <br><br>I would have liked to see even more of that, throughout the rest of the story, and especially inside the dueling chamber. With everything taking place inside Al’s head, it was kind of difficult for me to picture it. For example, I couldn’t figure out how he did his telekinesis. Does he have to picture its weight, and imagine lifting it? Can he “see” the forces acting on it? Does he “push” on it just as hard with his mind as he would with his hands? <br><br>Psychic powers are hard things to describe, and you’ve not chosen an easy thing to write. Next time out, you might want to give a quick display of what Al can do and what he can’t, just so the reader has the right reference and vocabulary to interpret the events that follow. (Al in action as the story starts might make a good “hook”, too.)<br><br>I mention vocabulary because I was a little mixed up in the conversation between Al and Marl-Ki. Just talking telepathically wasn’t a mind meld? I ask because in the middle of their “conversation” Marl-Ki melds with him to check his powers, but I thought they were already melded. <br><br>This was a good plot idea, but I saw two flaws. First, I thought there was too much telling and not enough showing, I’m sorry to say. If you take the paragraph where Al is looking at Sue, the writing is excellent--up to the part where the sight & smell of her turns his knees to mush. After that, we are told “Al was sure that Sue liked him, but he was equally sure that she was uncomfortable around him because of his ability to read and control minds…” What a great opportunity that would have been to show that. As he’s looking at her all lustily, to have her smile fade, a worried look cross her face and then have her ask as she crosses her arms in front of her chest hesitantly, “Are you reading my mind right now?”<br><br>Right there, you’d show it. Her liking Al, and also her worry that he could learn her secrets. Plus, you build sympathy for Al, that his powers keep him separate from the world, apart from love.<br><br>Tension was my other bugaboo. We learn Al now possesses the ability to teleport, and scarcely a minute later, he’s in the chamber doing it, even though he’d never even tried it before. It was good that it bit back at him, draining him of energy, and that he needed to recharge. That made it seem more real. But imagine if we saw him trying it, practicing, and learning that it was very hard, and that he could only do it a little before he’d collapse from exhaustion. Then, after we know he can only barely do it, he still goes out and challenges the Gorojinh. Then, we’d really feel for him. We’d stomp and cheer as he put it all on the line for us. We’d hold our breath when the bad guy has him on the ropes, feeling the tension.<br><br>I’m sorry, I get all worked up when I critique. Basically, this was another good idea, Donald. There were things that I really liked: more sensory input and humanizing of the powers he possesses. I think if next time out you increase sympathy for Al early on to draw us to his character and do some more showing rather than telling, you’ll have a whale of a tale.<br><br>Nate
Last edited by kailhofer on March 12, 2005, 02:52:38 PM, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: The Mind Robbers by Donald Sullivan

Post by Robert_Moriyama »

... This story also suffered from the old show vs. tell problems that plague most of us. The conversation between Al and Marl-Ki, which took place right in the middle, completely stopped the story for an info dump. I think it would have been more interesting if Al had investigated the UFO sightings and discovered this stuff for himself...
<br>The infodump was partly my fault -- I felt that the evolution and expansion of Al's powers needed some justification. Hence Donald added the long paragraph where Marl-ki relates telepathy (transmitting/receiving information through a different 'dimension') to telekinesis (manipulating and drawing on energy from that dimension) to teleportation (moving oneself through that dimension) ... Before my meddling, the infodump was a couple of hundred (?) words shorter!<br><br>Robert M.
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Re: The Mind Robbers by Donald Sullivan

Post by Robert_Moriyama »

OOhh....liked this one too! The final battle tween Al and the alien was great! Only thing I might have liked to see changed, was the manner of death. Does he really HAVE to kill the alien with that spiked ball? Couldn't he have just INSERTED the thougth that the death happened in that manner to one and all....and still walked away the Champion?

Probably not, but I was a bit saddened that he had to 'stoop' to killing to win the battle....

Jim
<br><br>Clearly, this type of duel (no 'holds' barred, combining physical and psychic/psychological attacks) was a long-standing Gorojinh tradition. And even assuming that Al's telepathic hypnosis was powerful enough to convince all the Gorojinh present that Al had killed his opponent, eventually they would have noticed -- 'Hey, there's old Arglebargle. Wait a minute -- didn't he get his brains pureed by that Earth guy?'.<br><br>Besides, Al may have had wanted a little revenge for the inevitable death of his friend and the other brain-drained victims ...<br><br>Robert M.
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Re: The Mind Robbers by Donald Sullivan

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I didn't mind that the bad guy bought it, but I was a little disappointed that Al did him in. (I didn't bring it up because I thought I had already picked on Donald enough.)<br><br>Perhaps a better resolution would have been if Al tricked the bad guy into braining himself with the ball. If Al tricked him into thinking that Al was really where the Gorojinh was, or if he got him to lose track of where Al was going, then all Al would have had to do is duck or something, and the Gorojinh gets it. This was a contest of minds, after all. Then Al doesn't wind up with blood on his hands, and someone paid for the crimes against those who had their minds wiped.<br><br>Nate
Last edited by kailhofer on March 17, 2005, 08:38:34 PM, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: The Mind Robbers by Donald Sullivan

Post by Robert_Moriyama »

I didn't mind that the bad guy bought it, but I was a little disappointed that Al did him in. (I didn't bring it up because I thought I had already picked on Donald enough.)

Perhaps a better resolution would have been if Al tricked the bad guy into braining himself with the ball. If Al tricked him into thinking that Al was really where the Gorojinh was, or if he got him to lose track of where Al was going, then all Al would have had to do is duck or something, and the Gorojinh gets it. This was a contest of minds, after all. Then Al doesn't wind up with blood on his hands, and someone paid for the crimes against those who had their minds wiped.

Nate
<br><br>That's kind of a weaselly approach. Sort of like sending 'enemy combatants' (a lovely term, coined to allow violation of the Geneva Convention rules on the treatment of prisoners of war) to countries known to use torture, like a certain administration I won't name, and then denying any responsibility for the results. (And that's after quibbling over the definition of torture.)<br><br>Al would still be responsible for the death, as much as a bomber pilot is responsible for the destruction and death caused by his weapons, even if he got the Gorojinh champion to accidentally electrocute himself.<br><br>Robert M.
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Re: The Mind Robbers by Donald Sullivan

Post by kailhofer »

That's kind of a weaselly approach. [snip]
Al would still be responsible for the death, as much as a bomber pilot is responsible for the destruction and death caused by his weapons, even if he got the Gorojinh champion to accidentally electrocute himself.
<br>It may be true he is responsible, but in a story or movie if the hero tricks the bad guys into shooting at each other and killing each other off, we as a society reward the smart character for his clever thinking. That his actions killed them off is just not something that we worry about. I believe the feeling is that if they were dumb enough to shoot each other, they deserved it.<br><br>I don't see how it would be different for Al to do that. As far as the general morality of the audience is considered, good triumphs and evil is punished (and that, as Oscar Wilde would say, is what makes it fiction :)).<br><br>Nate
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Re: The Mind Robbers by Donald Sullivan

Post by Robert_Moriyama »

...anyway, the finale presented no problem for me, the ET champion was a bit too arrogant for his own good.
and how does Robert always manage to tie everything with GW?

Lee
<br>Actually, it's pretty easy. For example, take the phrase 'too arrogant for his own good'. Does that bring anybody to mind? (Okay, Donald Trump. But Dubya too.)<br><br>Robert M.
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