Aphelion

Nothing wrong at all, Randy. Be patient; I've got one cooking.

While you wait, maybe you could look around and find some of the damage I've infl—uh, the help I've offered others here.

As threatened ...

CRIT-Curse the Darkness

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* What is the ISRO? You never tell us.

* At breakfast, Arav puts a hand on Pari, even though he has his tray in one hand and an extra OJ in the other.

* The scene just before takeoff, "he" is strapped against his seat. We don't get told who "he" is for three paragraphs and have to guess.

* Since the shuttle is a conventional rocket—and a really big one, at that— I'd think they would raise it into vertical position _before_ loading cargo or passengers. In fact, I doubt very much that it would be safe to fuel such a beast if it weren't already vertical.

* At liftoff, you have:

The padded bunk slammed into Jal’s back as though he’d been dropped off a two story building

The acceleration is nowhere near that sudden. If you've watched big rockets launch, they don't actually lift at all for the first couple seconds, and then they rise rather slowly at first. It does pile on pretty quickly after that, though, and the second stage will kick.

* Also at liftoff, Jal starts out being able to read the display, but the next mention of it has it shaking so bad he can't read it.

By the way, these displays are probably not needed by the passengers at all, and along with their wiring, they add extra weight to the launch vehicle. Extra fuel needed, extra expense. Also, they'll get sprayed with barf. Nice device for the story, but why not just put a single display up high on the forward bulkhead where everyone can see it?

By the way, I got a kick out of the "fat men" simile.

* The suction vents for the barf? I'd say, emphatically, NO. First, if they work "gradually," the ejecta has lots of opportunity to coat everything and everybody in the compartment. Second, if somebody pukes while they're still under acceleration ... well, they and whoever's behind them are going to get an unwanted warm bath, no matter how strong the airflow. Third—two dozens seats' worth of plumbing, plus pumps and filters? That's a LOT of extra weight for that system, too. Even worse than the displays mentioned above.

* Generally, it would be helpful if you were more generous with names in attribute tags. I found it easy to lose track of who was speaking in dialog passages. I'd say this was one of the biggest distractions for me.

* You sometimes mix characters' action beats in among other characters' dialog, such as:

“Really? I didn’t know you were a Christian,” she said. He shrugged. “What was it like?” she asked.

This can get confusing. I follow a common guideline: only one character to a paragraph; this goes for dialog and action beats (ex., "He shrugged" above).

Also, I found a couple places in the story where you have two people speaking in the same paragraph. That's bad for clarity. For dialog, one person per paragraph always works. Now, there are times when you can get two people's actions into one paragraph; for example:

[John speaking] "You got everything tied down?" Bill grunted an assent. "Good," John said, "we're ready to go."

This saves you from having Bill's wordless reaction taking up a paragraph of its own, which would look choppy on the page (assuming you don't want that much choppiness in the passage).

* Wouldn't that water between the hulls of the ferry freeze? It might not matter if it did; just wondering.

* Also, regarding the ferry, I like the idea of the inflatable hulls—very clever—but I have to wonder if it's a good idea. Space is full of micrometeors, and the shuttle is going to be moving at roughly 2600 miles per hour, average. I'd think that thing would get punctured pretty early in its career.

* Everyone in the passenger compartment should have felt the cabin pressure going up.

* Why wasn't the Sacred Fire Device secured? That should be a given, and a safety requirement. They'll be in free-fall for most of the trip; the thing could float loose about the cabin. And if emergency maneuvers were required, a large loose object could be deadly.

* Here:

“YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND! YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND AT ALL!” The girl stormed closer, then realized what she was doing, and stopped short of the airlock hatch.

... you seem to have a momentary lapse of zero-g.

* In this passage:

She then sent a distress call to the ISRO, and explained the situation. They explained that regardless of whatever she’d told the passengers, Priyanka had made it clear she’d intended to crash the ferry into Strongarm City, killing as many people and destroying as much of the place as she could in the process.

... I have to wonder how this information was obtained. I had the impression that Priyanka only had one message and that she transmitted it to everyone.

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Okay, all the above are mostly minor niggles. Aside from that, I really enjoyed the story; it has a kind of loose, freewheeling quality to it, like with the one guy kicking the box to get the fan running again. Overall it was easy to read.

A lot of the detail (like people smoking in space) had a distinctively retro feel, and I wondered why the tech seemed more primitive than I'd expect.

Dialog, characterization, setting, and plot are really good. All aspects of characterization are consistent and clear and the characters are distinct. By the way, I didn't realize this immediately, but the true main character here isn't Pari; it's Jal, since he's the only one with a changing character arc. He has to confront his doctrinal background in order to act in the greater benefit of his religion and the realization of his goal.

Hope this helps,

LC

Randy,

It's patterned on the Soviet/Chinese style of doing things. They haul the rocket out horizontally, then elevate it to vertical. It's then fueled when it's upright. I just assumed a century or so in the future, aerospace materials would be a little stronger than now. And it is actually easier to load stuff horizontally, again, based on the Soviet/Chinese example.

Wow, I had no idea. Loading would certainly be easier horizontal, and I was having a hard time picturing how a passenger would get situated with the thing vertical. Tricky and dangerous.

I was on hand for most of the Saturn V launches and a whole bunch of the shuttle ones, and I gotta tell ya, they really do jump off the pad. "like a two story building" is probably a bit of a dramatic exaggeration, but you definitely would feel it.

I was basing my comment on what I've seen on the televised launches, where they'll have a camera zoomed in on the nozzles. It sure *looked* like the thing sat still for a second or so. Now I've got to wonder what the astronauts have said about it.

A note on excess weight: This is a hundred or so years in the future. Given how much TVs and phones and things have shrunk in the last 30 years, the screens could be as thin as paper and weigh less than an ounce.

Also: they're really not terribly concerned about weight. The operations we're looking at here are huge. The port they're at launches a shuttle a dozen times a day. More in the busy season. Other countries do the same thing. There's lots of huge space stations. The ISRO was willing to allow the project, provided it wasn't any more inconvenient than carrying a person, but there's so much space traffic that they don't really care much about a few extra pounds here or there.

Okay, the electronics will be lighter and economies of scale can cheapen things like standardized structures and even fuel. And maybe material science will have gifted us with lighter stuff by then, but I think that in some practical terms, we're close to an optimum strength/weight/cost balance right now. 3-D printing may scale up enough to prove me wrong on that, but for now it's way too slow for mass-production of large items.

And, mass is still mass, gravity doesn't relent, and the specific impulse of fuels is, I think, unlikely to be substantially improved. So, to me, weight will still look expensive. I'm no engineer, though, and I'm steadily being surprised and delighted by amazing breakthroughs.

Lester Curtis wrote:
* You sometimes mix characters' action beats in among other characters' dialog, such as:

I don't understand what you mean.

Just that "He shrugged." Followed immediately by the "What was it like?" Without an intervening attribute, I wasn't sure if it was his quote or hers until I hit "she".

On the inflatables, yeah, I'd read about that some while back. Great idea, and since they've just sent one up to the ISS, they must have confidence in it. Really, I should know better; when have we ever heard of a spacecraft being damaged by little junk? Cassini flew right through Saturn's rings. "Look, ma, no hands!" Yeah, they turned it so as to shield the thing with its big antenna, but still didn't hit anything.

It was in one of the passenger stalls. Thought I pointed that out. The stalls are against the hull. When the hull went pop, the back wall was no longer there.

That is mentioned, but the structure of the stall partitions isn't described; if they were solid (extra structure to stiffen the floor structures), it could have been strapped to one of those. Of course, then you wouldn't have had your little plot device. Still, I'd think they'd strap it to something just to keep it from bouncing around in the stall and getting shaken up.

The in-universe explanation is that it's all just cheap-ass crap. They're using century-old designs because they're simple and easy to build, and why re-invent the wheel? If you're cranking out Saturn Vs in lots of, say, 300, their per-unit cost drops to crazy low levels, particularly if you're doing it for decades on end.

Even at that, I'd think it would make sense to make as much as possible reusable, as Space-X and Blue Origin are now doing. You don't mention that, but I assume they aren't.

Thanks for the science lessons!

LC

Actually, they're generally locked down for the first second or two. It takes a moment for the engines to get up to full thrust, they don't want a false start, so the rockets are generally physically locked to the pad. When it hits 100% they release the locks, and the rocket shoots up. That makes it look like it's taking a moment for the rockets to 'take hold.'

Okay, I'd forgotten about the locks. Important safety device, and I get it now: full thrust is available almost instantly.

I had more details about the shuttle used in the story, but decided not to use 'em as it bogged it down. Keep in mind the system you see is for passengers. They've got other systems for getting bulk cargos and stuff in to orbit.

Getting away from the story, what are your thoughts on a modular shuttle design? Say, make a standard chassis with a fixed internal volume, then fill it with cargo space, passenger accommodations, or a mix of each? Convertibility optional.

Well, the orbiter is reusable. The rocket may or may not be, but probably isn't. But, see, using my shuttle example above: a shuttle is 6x less efficient than a disposable rocket the way we did it (And, yes, there are better ways to do it which we didn't bother with) so as long as this way costs less than that way, this is the way they're gonna do it.

What better ways do you like? I've read of a lot of schemes for getting stuff to LEO, but I seem to recall that a lot of them had impractical payload limits.

Thanks again!

LC

Lester did a wonderful analysis of your story. I can only add a few thoughts that I like when I write or read a story, and my thoughts are not set in stone. Each of us are different, and that difference is essential. Just imagine if all stories sounded the same! It would be boring!!

I prefer to use science as a supplement in a story----just enough. However, I’ve read stories that have textbook sections about science, and I loved the story! Your story is filled with much more science that I would have used. But that’s not saying I’m right and you’re wrong. I liked you story even with the science interwoven though out it.

Your story had strong characters and the dialogue was good. I couldn’t find anything to nit-pick about and can see that you are very interested in writing science fiction. This is the site for you!

Maybe a little more sensory input might a added to the effect of being there, but you did use some.

To read passages like ‘a cold breeze struck my forehead’ or the ‘heat from the explosion washed over me.’ Simple techniques like those examples used sparingly really add to a story–they can get the reader into it. When you read sci-fi notice how authors use sensory input. But don’t over use the same one again and again.

I think you have skills to write good science fiction. Practice balancing the show and tell, sensory input, and beats.

Good job!

I hadn't heard of the Sea Dragon before, so I went looking for it—and found this delightful page with some truly outrageous stuff on it. Enjoy!

http://www.projectrho.com/public_html/r ... eorbit.php

... and here's one I remember following the progress of for a while:

http://www.wow.com/wiki/Rotary_Rocket