Six Thegn Quean Episode Three by David Ulnar-Slew

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Lester Curtis
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Six Thegn Quean Episode Three by David Ulnar-Slew

Post by Lester Curtis »

Okay, Episode 2 had a strong feeling of things building up; this one feels more like it's reaching a plateau, even with the unsolved mystery of what the Eoten is hiding. I suppose this is due to the amount of space given to combat training, negotiations with the village leaders, and backstory and worldbuilding revealed in the conversations among the scouting party. No complaints about those things; a story needs variation in pace to keep it interesting.

I find an inconsistency in units of measurement: the scouting party is traveling variously by leagues, miles, and kilometers. That was distracting; pick a system and stick with it. If it were me, I'd avoid metric for this kind of fantasy.

Also, the dialog comes off stiff in places, due to lack of contractions. I'll try not to harp on this any more, but I'm not the only one who's bothered by it; here's an article that just showed up in my inbox:

http://www.helpingwritersbecomeauthors. ... -dialogue/

None of these things are deal-breakers, but they can slow down the success of your story sales.

Still good, and I'm still enjoying it.
I was raised by humans. What's your excuse?
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Lester Curtis
Long Fiction Editor
Posts: 2736
Joined: January 11, 2010, 12:03:56 AM
Location: by the time you read this, I'll be somewhere else

Re: Six Thegn Quean Episode Three by David Ulnar-Slew

Post by Lester Curtis »

As you probably know, Eddie, one of my motives with my comments is to get other writers thinking about how to improve their own work; thus the link.

What nobody else sees here are the parts I fixed before posting this, mostly punctuation. My computer ran out of commas and I had to order more, lol!

I do hope others will read this and chime in with their comments; it's what we're here for. And I can generate a long list of other helpful (free!) websites for anyone who wants them. I'm thinking that maybe I should just make it up and post it in the Writers Workshop section as a sticky.
I was raised by humans. What's your excuse?
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