I like the thoughts and feelings of the medical team that transformed Roger into a young man. All through the story, their hopes and disappointments reflected their moods and became the center of their lives for a while. The team’s involvement with one another bordered on a conflict in itself. Good sub action!
The way Roger escaped is beyond our technology yet, but like all speculative fiction stories, this story presents a scenario that might happen in the future.
Today we have paraplegics controlling the mouse with their thoughts. Blind people are seeing with the aid of TV cameras, medical equipment is in use that captures our brain waves, and artificial arms are already helping many veterans cope with life! And the MRI machines?
I like how the author balanced the story and as I said before, his creative use of adjectives in the beginning. I can’t think of anything to add that might make the story better; he did a nice job.
As I read the story, I got the feeling that this one might be a good story for a screenplay.
- Lester Curtis
- Long Fiction Editor
- Posts: 2734
- Joined: January 11, 2010, 12:03:56 AM
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You may have noticed that we lost a couple of posts on this thread: the ones where I asked about the title, and your response. Just in case those posts don't get restored, you may want to briefly restate the explanation behind the title.
Aside from that, the one thing I think bothered me most about this story was your treatment of dialog attribute tags. "He [or she] smiled" is quite prevalent, especially from the third scene. Try running a search for 'smile' in the text; you might be surprised. You do a lot of telling (as opposed to showing) in your dialog tags.
About a third of the way in, you tell how Roger had set up an alternate identity for himself, with access to money and other resources, but he needed to get out of the facility to take advantage of that. When I read this, the first thing I thought of was, suppose he gets out and finds that his new identity has been stolen? I kind of expected this to happen, and, though it would have been different, it would have been a great story in its own right. What would he do, with all his resources unavailable--no money in hand, nothing but his knowledge and experience and a strong new body?
I think you have a major plot hole with his brain being connected by wi-fi or something like it. If that signal is sensitive enough to be tickled or "itched" by a wi-fi signal, any nearby lightning strike--'nearby' being within maybe a mile or less--will probably knock him unconscious, if not kill him outright. He needs the equivalent of a tinfoil hat: electromagnetic shielding. That could be bulky--and it would also isolate him from the connection he found to the facility's computers.
Second problem I see with that is that every individual nerve signal between the brain and body needs to be duplicated independently of all the others. Accomplishing that seems like an awfully tall order to me. You mention this as a concern of his, but fail to solve the dilemma. That's kind of like telling the reader you have a plot hole.
Then there's the problem of how these electronics get their power--and dissipate the heat they produce. The bloodstream can be the heat-sink, but the power is still a problem.
I do like the predicament you placed the facility's staff in: they can't just call the cops when he runs amok, not if they want to stay out of prison themselves, anyway. I thought the dungeon felt like a bit of deus ex machina, though. Oh, how convenient; we've got just the place for him ... but how did he get out? That part looks to me like another plot hole.
Anyway, it wasn't bad overall, and the premise is interesting.
Thanks, and I hope this helps.