A Path of Ramble and Mist by Jaimie L Elliot

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kailhofer
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A Path of Ramble and Mist by Jaimie L Elliot

Post by kailhofer »

I don't like to critique a story without trying to be fair, unless Robert M. wrote it. (;) Just kidding, Robert.)<br><br>To that end, I always try to find something positive and hopefully constructive about the writing to bring up before I mention any critical points. That way, a hopefull author has some hope to cling to while drowning their disappointment in copius amounts of beer.<br><br>I'm afraid I'm having trouble coming up with some good positives about this story. Perhaps other Aphelionites can come to the rescue.<br><br>The characters had the potential to be interesting, but they were never described in sufficient detail that I could get a sense of them. In fact, when it was revealed that Awstene had only one breast, the way it was written I thought there might be a second woman, instead of just Awstene. I know by the nature of the story they were not meant to be well-defined until Jeremy began writing, but that didn't give the reader much to go by. At the least, they could have had exaggerated traits besides archaic language, like accents, so I could tell who was speaking (especially since the speaker usually wasn't identified).<br><br>Dialog was hard to follow, particularly because of the missing character identifiers.<br><br>Setting was not well defined. They hid in a thicket for the night, was it?  And then they wandered into a petting zoo that had a cabin in it? Is that right? Were the furs already in the room, or did his delusions bring them forth? Stone Mountain reads as cold. The day was cold. Everything was cold. But WHY did everything have to be cold?<br><br>As far as plot, well, I guess the story had one. Jeremy eventually catches the groove and realizes he has to start writing. But frankly, from what we learned of his character, why should the audience want him to write? What of this character was endearing, apart from the fact that he was kidnapped. I suppose we are meant to be happy for him, now that he is in touch with his "inner voice."<br><br>Was this tale mapped out before it was written, or did it just evolve? In future, you may wish to change whatever was used here.<br><br><br>Another reader may see it differently, but no matter what, don't give up trying.<br><br>Nate
Last edited by kailhofer on August 12, 2004, 01:47:31 PM, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: A Path of Ramble and Mist by Jamie L Elliot

Post by kailhofer »

Trying to debate an author about their own story usually goes as well as trying to steal a bear cub from its mother--while it is nursing--but here goes:<br><br>
The story was not meant to be standard fantasy.
<br>Well, clearly.<br><br>
The theme revolves around Jeremy's formidable subconscious and the inner struggle that ensues. Symbolism and foreshadowing are applied throughout the narration. The story begins as a dream. The light that "softens him cherubic" foreshadows his Creator aspect.
<br>I disagree that the internalization of his struggle is readily apparent. Cherubim are the second-highest level of heirachy of angels behind the lofty Seraphim. Angels do not create by themselves, and do not seem to be indicative of the creative forces inside us.<br><br>
The use of gates, barriers, and fences were also symbolic; Jeremy needed to burst through his self-made obstacles to reach comprehension. The whole concept of cold, which you seem to be anethemic to, is symbolic of Jeremy's inner vaccuum. The travel through the night is his journey through his dark side.
<br>If you say so. <br><br>
...The first concrete clue to the reader are the furs you refered to earlier. Jeremy even notes in his haze that this did not seem plausible. It's even more explicit when Jeremy awakens on top of a table that had not existed beforehand.
<br>Jeremy's senses are dulled by the effects of his hypothermia, and he may be delusional. That he does not see the world clearly or does not remember objects which may or may not have been there before is hardly concrete evidence. <br><br>
Ghorhold, Awstene, and Lashkian should be viewed allegorically...
<br>I have met very few writers who deliberately tried to make their stories allegorical once they graduated from institutes of higher learning--it usualy interfered with selling the tale. You may well be one of the few. If so, I wish you luck with that.<br><br>Nate
Last edited by kailhofer on August 11, 2004, 12:46:42 AM, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: A Path of Ramble and Mist by Jamie L Elliot

Post by kailhofer »

I'm unsure how this turned into a debate. I was discussing the approach. I'm looking for constructive feedback on what you think I could have done differently.
<br>Debate: [Old French debatre ] - To talk about something at length and in detail, especially as part of a formal exchange of opinion.<br><br>I would have recommended altering the story's construction. I'd move the cabin scene to where Jeremy is tortured to the beginning of the story, and then flash back to the original beginning. The characters are the most defined at that point, and Jeremy's plight with strike the strongest sympathy in readers, yielding a better chance to "hook" them.<br><br>If they're hooked at the beginning, people like me will be a lot more like to be patient and tolerant while the story unfolds.<br><br>Constructive enough?<br><br>Nate
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Re: A Path of Ramble and Mist by Jamie L Elliot

Post by kailhofer »

Here's a word for you:

flippant
adj.

1. Marked by disrespectful levity or casualness; pert.
<br>Damn, I was going for "arrogant!" :)<br><br>Pert? "Bold and lively in a pleasantly amusing way." I could live with that.<br><br>Aphelion is a place full of levity and casualness, but the "disrespectful" part I take umbrage to. Perhaps it would be more wise to take criticism at face value, especially as I'm the only offering any. If I didn't honestly want to provide what advice I could, because I thought it might help other writers, I would not have offered it.<br><br>Nate
Last edited by kailhofer on August 11, 2004, 08:19:21 PM, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: A Path of Ramble and Mist by Jaimie L Elliot

Post by Robert_Moriyama »

Speaking of Robert Moriyama, here I is.  (Greg G., that grammatical error was deliberate ...)  I sort of kind of liked this story, partly because the inversion of the writing-influences-reality (or even creates reality) riff used in Claude Hopper's and Nate Kailhoffer's Mare Inebrium stories was rather original, and partly because the story had quite a few funny bits in between the unprovoked acts of violence and terror.<br><br>On the other hand, I agree that the language used in most of the story was a little TOO poetic.  I actually found the prose in the story-within-a-story that Jeremy begins in the last part of the tale more readable than the rest.  To some extent, that's a matter of taste; I've said elsewhere that I love vivid description and clever turns of phrase.  It just seemed that Mr. Elliot was trying a little too hard to be colorful, and it got in the way of the storytelling.  (Think of the superfluous coloratura riffs that Whitney Houston, Maria Carey, and Celine Dion often throw into their arrangements -- showing off, as it were, without really contributing to the task at hand.)  Maybe I'm a little old-fashioned, usually leaning toward a more journalistic style.  (As shown here -- look at this compact, elegant, 900 word paragraph! ;))<br><br>So:  on the positive side, an original concept, good description, good use of humor; on the negative side, maybe too much emphasis on 'literary' technique, to the detriment of the story itself.<br><br>Mr. Elliot, you may now dissect MY work.  (I'll do anything to get more feedback.)<br><br>Robert M.
Last edited by Robert_Moriyama on August 13, 2004, 10:32:57 AM, edited 1 time in total.
You can't wait for inspiration. You have to go after it with a club.

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Re: A Path of Ramble and Mist by Jaimie L Elliot

Post by Robert_Moriyama »

I particularly like the "characters coming to life" element of the story. However, if the worldwalls ever get as weak around me as they did for the story's protagonist, I'll be in deeep doodoo.
Dan
<br>I can see where having a D'rrish (or the Reaver) show up at a quiet dinner party might be a bit upsetting for you and your guests ...<br><br>Trixie, on the other hand, would only upset the women present.<br><br>Robert M.<br>
You can't wait for inspiration. You have to go after it with a club.

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Re: A Path of Ramble and Mist by Jaimie L Elliot

Post by Robert_Moriyama »


And with prose like this:

Quote:
I sort of kind of liked this story...

who could criticise?;)
<br>I was writing in the Vulgate to avoid confusing the unwashed peasantry. (I've tried writing in the Colgate (do they have Colgate toothpaste in Oz?), but all that minty freshness gave me a headache.)<br><br>Robert M.
You can't wait for inspiration. You have to go after it with a club.

Jack London (1876-1916)
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