Shalan

Tell us what you thought about the December 2004 issue!

Moderator: Editors

Post Reply
george_condon
Commenter
Posts: 3
Joined: December 31, 1969, 08:00:00 PM
Location: 0

Re: Shalan

Post by george_condon »

Thanks, everyone, for the kind words. What I was trying to do with this story was to show that humans are complex and that good and evil are often difficult to define. Frank was a bit of a rascal, but he was noble in his commitment to his patients. Barbara was sincerely trying to be "good", in the conventional sense, but she was capable of anger and violence (as we all are). Neither of them was a monster.<br><br>The other stories in this webzine are so great that I feel fortunate just to be in such illustrious company.
george_condon
Commenter
Posts: 3
Joined: December 31, 1969, 08:00:00 PM
Location: 0

Re: Shalan

Post by george_condon »

Lee,<br><br>I've never had the opportunity to see OZ, though I've heard excellent things about the show. I didn't have any particular actor in mind for Shalan, though Cary Grant played a handsome and informal angel in an old film titled "The Bishop's Wife". I might have had Cary in mind because I admired his screen persona. Mostly, I was hoping that readers would not visualize Q from the Star Trek series. The actor who played the super being Q did an excellent job, but the character was mocking humans all the time and I didn't like him much.<br><br>George
User avatar
kailhofer
Editor Emeritus
Posts: 3245
Joined: December 31, 1969, 08:00:00 PM
Location: Kaukauna, Wisconsin (USA)
Contact:

Re: Shalan

Post by kailhofer »

Even though it wasn't intended this way, it would be easy to say George was trying to point out the danger of the religious among us. :)<br><br>In deference to Lee's comment, I thought the jail could have felt more alien, a little more otherworldly. I liked that the drama was centered on the human condition, but it just didn't feel like Mars to me.<br><br>Unlike Jim, as soon as she thought that Frank shouldn't go, I knew Barbara was going to kill him. Life too long in those environs has deep-seated effects on what is acceptable to oneself, and I needed something to throw me off so I could be surprised at the end.<br><br>On writing style, this one was very fast-paced. The paragraphs were all quite small--only two or three sentences a piece. The books on writing say that you should try to vary the sentence structure. Moreover, making the paragraphs thicker with descriptives early on helps show a pace increase by shrinking them as the story progresses towards the climax. Ebb and flow before the headlong rush, as it were.<br><br>I thought everything needed more detail, from the sandstorm outside to the chess pieces. The main characters were largely undefined. Was Barbara a red head? (What does lower gravity do to a hairdo, anyway?) Frank have shifty eyes? Perhaps one of them had a limp or some other trait that made them stick out? <br><br>For a Chaplain, Barbara doesn't quote much scripture, or engage in any faith-reinforcing enterprise, so I wondered how she came to be there. Frank was supposed to be hiding from a shady past, but nothing told me why she would have chose such a missionary engagement.<br><br>I thought Frank, on the flip side, should have known better than to be tempted by the trap of immortality. As a doctor he would have known patients who had extended their life beyond their intended life span, and saw the error in their ways. Imagine being bored forever. Yikes. <br><br>For plot development, I thought it was too fast. She jumps from immortality candidate to inmate in scant few words. It might have been more dramatic to have her consciously choose to murder Frank, or at least wrestle with its ethics, first. If she descended into madness, then show that, and it will be good stuff to read.<br><br>More defined voices for the characters may have improved things. I caught the sardonic in Frank, but Shalan and Barbara had the same voice. (Of course, if it were only in her head, maybe that's right.)<br><br><br>This was a good read... A very human drama in a SF setting, and that's what every writer should aim for. A little more development, George, and your talents will take you places.<br><br>Nate<br>
Hardcover, paperback, pdf, eBook, iBook, Nook, and now Kindle & Kobo!
Image
A cooperative effort between 17 Aphelion authors. No part of any sales go to Aphelion.
User avatar
kailhofer
Editor Emeritus
Posts: 3245
Joined: December 31, 1969, 08:00:00 PM
Location: Kaukauna, Wisconsin (USA)
Contact:

Re: Shalan

Post by kailhofer »

And Nate, you're a real stickler for detailing...i mean, you even want to know about the chess pieces!
<br>Well, yes.<br><br>A good deal of this story happens as the characters hover over the board, so it got me to wondering. Is it a cheap standard set, or maybe did it belong to Barbara and the pieces were in the shape of biblical figures. Or maybe Alien vs Predator, or something futuristic like that. And what were the pieces made of? Cheap plastic, or was it some heirloom material, like ivory, bone, or pewter?<br><br>A little thing like that can help set the tone, illuminate the personalities of the players, or foreshadow events in the plot.<br><br>Nate
Last edited by kailhofer on December 19, 2004, 12:48:57 PM, edited 1 time in total.
Hardcover, paperback, pdf, eBook, iBook, Nook, and now Kindle & Kobo!
Image
A cooperative effort between 17 Aphelion authors. No part of any sales go to Aphelion.
Megawatts
Master Critic
Posts: 951
Joined: December 31, 1969, 08:00:00 PM
Location: Johnstown, Pa.

Re: Shalan

Post by Megawatts »

Good story! based on an old theme "Jelousy." Jelousy, the evil villian of the past for it's an ever present disease of the mind, and a parasite---if you stretch your<br>imagination a little---that will ride with us to the stars!<br><br>Prejudice is the worst tumor in our thoughts, but<br>jelousy ranks right below it along with envy. Eliminate all<br>of them and enjoy the universe as it was meant to be!<br><br>Mars could be felt as I read the story, and the isolation<br>on Mars seem to feed the jelousy somewhat. <br><br>Chess always suggests loneliness or boredom when<br>played to kill time as it was in the stroy. A good touch!<br><br>George<br>
Tesla Lives!!!
Iareth
Commenter
Posts: 1
Joined: December 31, 1969, 08:00:00 PM
Location: 0

Re: Shalan

Post by Iareth »

This is one of those really strange things that happens to me every once in awhile. Long, long ago, I created a storyline that I have been ruminating on actually finishing. One of the main characters in named Shalan and he is from a race of beings who have at times been rather immaterial, and occasionally talk to God. I did a search for "Shalan" and got thousands of hits. Last time I did it years ago there were less than a hundred, all Arabic. This time I get this story, and there's this talk of angels. It's really wild. <br><br>Shalan is apocryphally known as the Archangel Immanuel Selen. I know exactly what he looks like. He's average height, kind of thin, with dark long hair, grey eyes, and the kind of countenance that makes it so he is the first person you look at when you enter a crowded room with him in it. It was really weird reading that story and kind of fun. <br><br>I of course picked out a truly Selendron moral to the story, one many religions disagree with, which is that the way to heaven is paved with deeds, and no amount of merely wanting to meet God will ever get you there.<br><br>Gregg<br>
Post Reply

Return to “December 2004”