Nightwatch:  The Orion Affair

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kailhofer
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Re: Nightwatch:  The Orion Affair

Post by kailhofer »

I was too close to the development of this story, so I'd prefer to see some honest opinions of people who didn't read the daily drafts before I deliver.<br><br>However, maybe this will start things off. I thought Tom Darby was a great character. Interesting and mysterious, he was every bit a match in stage presence to Simon, and I hope I remembered to tell Dan that while he was writing.<br><br>What did the rest of you think?<br><br>Nate
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Re: Nightwatch:  The Orion Affair

Post by Robert_Moriyama »


Darby O'gill?
<br><br>Dan told us (Nightwatch writers) that Tom Darby is actually a character from the Mare Inebrium universe (I think?). He works for this interstellar character called The Collector. I haven't read the stories myself, so I have undoubtably mangled this explanation. Dan'l (is that a Kryptonian name), kindly clean up the mess I've made.<br><br>Robert M.
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Robert_Moriyama
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Re: Nightwatch:  The Orion Affair

Post by Robert_Moriyama »

...
And no, the Collector will not be stepping into any Nightwatch stories. That would take all the fun out of Nightwatch.
Dan
<br><br>How about the Reever? Think how easily he could deal with any threat that came up (or down, or sideways). Oh, wait -- I guess that WOULD take the challenge out of things.<br><br>Robert M.
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kailhofer
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Re: Nightwatch:  The Orion Affair

Post by kailhofer »

(2) I think one of the greatest dialogue impact killers is cutesy ways of saying "he said." It's my opinion that it ought to be an invisible part of the dialogue. You run the risk of skewing the meaning or actually making no sense if you try to hard to mix it up. I've seen people use phrases like "he smiled." Well, that's nonsensical--you might be smiling while you talk, but smiling itself does not mean speaking. Dan used "replied" when no questions were asked and even used "riposted" on one occasion. The result of that was to stop me dead in my tracks to mull it over. My point? Don't undercut the dialogue with variations on "said" except to really make a point. Readers tend to gloss over "he said, she said" anyway, particularly if the the dialogue is engaging. Further, avoid overusing adverbs-- "he said sanctimoniously." If you find yourself resorting to adverbs too often in constructing dialogue then you're dialogue isn't expressing itself properly. The adverbs should be rare so when they are used they have real impact.
<br>If I understand you correctly, (and I didn't get a lot of sleep, so maybe I don't) I completely disagree with you on this point. I think using "he said" over and over strongly detracts from your story's impact. I spot-checked a half dozen books from my shelves, looking at random pages, and found explained, inquired, wondered, muttered, mumbled... These are all mainstays of the literary world as I know it, and can add depth to the dialogue with subtlety of meanings. <br><br><br>A few examples of what I mean in a hypothetical scene:<br><br>Simon smiled. "A set of legs like that? What's not to like?"<br>-This indicates that Simon is now the focus of action, that he smiled, and then he spoke.<br><br>The gray-haired man did not reply.<br><br>Simon wondered, "Why do you ask?"<br>-Shows that Simon is thinking, and trying to place the other character's unheard question into a context or guess his motivations.<br><br>"I am Judge MacGruder," the man intoned darkly. "And that is my daughter."<br>-Intoned here shows a declared sense of importance and bad tidings. Also that he may have a "dark" (angry and/or serious) expression on his face or tone in his voice.<br><br>"Sorry," Simon fumbled. "I didn't know that."<br>-Lets the reader know Simon thinks he's in trouble, and is trying to find a way out. Also, that this was a verbal "fumble", as if it were a sporting event or contest.<br><br>"No," Macgruder barked. "I'm asking what your intentions are toward her."<br>-Makes sure the reader knows the emotional portent with the sharp, sudden reply, and conveys a more defined message than "he said angrily." Also, that he wasn't angry enough to shout... yet.<br><br><br>I don't have a good example of riposted, but I'm pretty sure Dan intended it as a reflection of a vocal fencing match.<br><br>Could you give examples from other writers who do it as you describe?<br><br>Nate
Last edited by kailhofer on December 22, 2004, 02:03:04 AM, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: Nightwatch:  The Orion Affair

Post by kailhofer »

'All right Callow," Simon replied
(said)

"Just shut up and go!" Callow snarled
(said)
[snip]
Maybe something like:
"Just shut up and go," Callow said leaning quickly toward the other.
<br>To borrow a phrase from Dan E, "Yucko." :)<br><br>I've spent my entire life in close proximity to journalists. It used to be the family "biz" (and still puts food on the table--I mailed out two editions just today). As short story/novelists, our canvas is bigger, where theirs competes for space against every column inch of advertising. They have to feature the quotes and cut out everything else, or they won't have enough room to run the ad for spats at King's Variety Store.<br><br>As far as the "replied" goes, as long as there was a question that preceded it, I think that's fine. <br><br>The exclamation point in Callow's line only shows that it was strong emotion, not that he was snarling. By context, he could just have likely been exasperated, which doesn't carry the same meaning. By showing the facial expression, Dan illustrates both the physical expression for detail and the emotion of anger. I think he did well by that line.<br><br>Nate
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Re: Nightwatch:  The Orion Affair

Post by kailhofer »

About the POV shifts: Were they an error entirely, or were they merely too abrupt? I'm confused about that. I thought those two sections needed to be there.
<br>Strickly speaking, there shouldn't be any breaks. You established Simon's as the only point of view by only seeing things through his eyes, so that far into a story you can't switch. As options, switch earlier on to establish precedent, or don't switch. (That may have been why someone suggested to a certain thickheaded author that maybe he should use some of Melvin's pea-sized cameras--that way Simon can see and hear it, and not break POV.)<br><br>As far as not introducing your villain, then just go ahead and introduce him. Two spies are sneaking around an enemy base. Can't they just evesdrop on the bad guy? Watch him blow away an incompetent guard, or something like that? Hear him discussing plans?<br><br>For nukes, all you have his Callow's suspicion that they were removed. Unless someone knows how much yield the fissionables in that bomb had for sure and can calculate amount backwards by blast effect, no one will be able to tell if there were more or not.<br><br>Nate
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Re: Nightwatch:  The Orion Affair

Post by Megawatts »

Very good story! I enjoyed it because after reading<br>every sentence, I had to read the next. This story<br>kept me "with" them as if I were part of them like a little mouse always close by. I like that in a stroy.<br><br>I also liked how the writer juggled between high tech and human intervention! Very good! It's alway nice to feel the effects of a new advance plane yet see that<br>the human side can further its capabilities by good old<br>seat of the pants thinking! <br><br>I wish that I had the same writing skill that created<br>"Nightwatch." Not only did the writer hold my interest<br>in the action of the moment, but he kept me further<br>wondering who, what, and where and what is really going on in those secret govenment agancies!!! Good!<br><br>Since I'm a new writer, I really can not see anything<br>that needs improved except please keep writing!<br><br>George<br><br>
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