My Children

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vampire
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My Children

Post by vampire »

Great theme, wish it was a little longer though
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kailhofer
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Re: My Children

Post by kailhofer »

Some people were never meant to be parents.<br><br>I liked the idea of this. Harsh discipline mixed with a poor grasp of reality fit well with theme of Halloween this month. <br><br>It's hard to do a good flash piece. I know from experience, but this is Aphelion, and there's no need to limit yourself to short short size. You have plenty of room--feel free to grow into it.<br><br>I've been told that I am a good critic, so allow me to address five major story criteria that I swiped from an online workshop:<br><br>(It won't hurt my feelings if someone doesn't agree. More feedback is better than less.) <br><br>The first big stumbling block is in the professionalism of writing. By this I mean grammar, spelling, punctuation, and ease of understanding. Missing periods and commas, as well as failure to use double quotes to denote speech all detracted from this story's presentation.<br><br>The next criterion is setting. What a reader wants to see is a believable world that is perceived with all five of the senses. This is known as world-building, sometimes called set dressing, and it is very important. All we know of Eddie's house is that it has a window and a door. It's too bad that it wasn't described more because it could helped the twist at the end to learn how he cared for the woodwork, or groomed the plants in window boxes--something that showed fastidiousness and care to be shattered when the truth came out.<br><br>Character Development: This asks are the characters believeable and sympathetic? Are their actions engaging and consistent with their personality? Do the characters grow to solve their problems? In this regard, Eddie fails the test of sympathy. He garners a bit of sympathy for a mob on his lawn, but not much. So little of his personality shows through, that we readers don't get to start liking him before the shoe drops, and he hasn't changed at all when we see him in his cell.<br><br>Next, I look at plot credibility. By that, I mean in my gut, do I feel the story holds together, rings true, and feels complete? The main character doesn't have much of a conflict. There's a mob outside and he just gives in. Inside the house is shocking, but reads more like a news article than a fiction piece because it doesn't have conflict--no internal struggle, no conflict, no choices made... no real resultant story.<br><br>Dialogue is good, but sparse. Even the internal monologue went well, but needed to be "fleshed out."<br><br>My opinion in a nutshell was that this piece had good concept, but poor execution, if you'll pardon the pun.<br><br>Nate<br>
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justreading
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Re: My Children

Post by justreading »

I thought this was a great story - I would not have minded if it had been longer, but I was under the impression that this was written under the guise of a "short story".
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kailhofer
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Re: My Children

Post by kailhofer »

I thought this was a great story - I would not have minded if it had been longer, but I was under the impression that this was written under the guise of a "short story".
<br>Howdy. Nice to see a new "face."<br><br>Technically, anything less than 7,500 words is a short story. Less than 1000 is commonly known as a short short or flash piece. <br><br>This one looks around 700 (but took me about 500 to review it).<br><br>Nate
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vampire
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Re: My Children

Post by vampire »

I think that one reply was actually larger then the story itself. You would think a large novel was being critiqued.
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Re: My Children

Post by rjoseph777 »

I would like to interject, if I may. "My Children" is a pretty cool story. However, I think Nate's words are very useful and beneficial to any writer. <br><br>Understanding that this is a "short story," I don't think it would hurt to get into detail a little further, as he suggests. There are many people out there that love to read between the lines in order to grasp the fullness of a story. <br><br>It's almost the same as watching a movie. For Example: "The Sixth Sense" There was always something red in every scene with Bruce Willlis. If you don't pay attention to detail, then you probably missed this one. The writer was trying to communicate something to the viewer without coming out and saying it. <br><br>Also, I may be wrong, but I believe Nate's reply was so long because that's simply how he expresses himself. He was very explanative, yet, clear and to the point; Good writing skills to have.
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Re: My Children

Post by justreading »

I agree with vampire - this is not a novel - just someone who had an idea and put it on "paper". I'm sure if there was an agent and publisher involved, we would have seen a different more polished version and Nate's comments would have been more applicable. I hope to see an extended version of this "short short" (that one's for you Nate) soon. When we do, I assume the writer will take all of the grammatical and professional suggestions into account prior to submission.<br>Until then, I enjoyed the story and simply took it for what it was - a quick escape into fantasy.
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Robert_Moriyama
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Re: My Children

Post by Robert_Moriyama »

... Aside from the technical flaws that Nate mentions, for me, the problem with this story was that I KNEW THE ENDING ALMOST IMMEDIATELY. The children are 'sleeping' so soundly because they are dead. The decapitation thing was a bit of a surprise, but decapitated, mummified, stuffed, frozen, whatever, dead is as dead -- just lies there. (The curse of the thriller junkie -- I'm pretty hard to surprise.)<br><br>I'm not sure if Mr. Bruno was trying to make his narrator seem normal or not, but the character's 'voice' seemed off-kilter to me from the outset. As others have noted, a longer version of this story would have had room to show the character's normal routine, increasing the impact of the final revelation of his madness. Assuming that it is a 'him', that is -- I can't recall if the narrator's sex is ever explicitly indicated. Oh, well ...<br><br>For a much longer and nastier take on a similar psychosis, see Robert McCammon's novel MINE. There's a scene early on that will have you climbing the walls, and it's just the beginning; the real horror is still to come.<br><br>Robert M.
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vampire
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Re: My Children

Post by vampire »

Of course, it's only a theory. It's very hard to write a short story, either fiction,horror,romance, etc. Only a few could pull it off well enough. Haven't seen many do it. Think it was pulled off pretty good here though.
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