Old Business

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Robert_Moriyama
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Re: Old Business

Post by Robert_Moriyama »

See, now, this one has many of the qualities that helped Rob Starr (a.k.a. shado) get his novel accepted by Stone Garden. It isn't much longer than 'My Children' (if it is longer at all), but it is full of vivid imagery (for example, the 'orange eyelids' bit -- it immediately conjured up the way light looks filtered through mostly-closed lids). The relationship that is implied between the narrator and his silent (until the end) companion makes the character seem more real.<br><br>The first hint of strangeness -- the three-toed footprint that vanishes as the bent grass rebounds -- suggests that the story is a fantasy, a fairy tale of sorts. But this impression explodes into shiny bits of an alloy unknown on earth with the only words spoken by the second watcher. With four words, everything we thought we knew is turned inside out. The room is most likely a cell, or perhaps a locked room in a psychiatric facility; the narrator and his companion are not former lovers or even friends, but a patient or prisoner and a doctor or government agent engaged in a coverup of... something.<br><br>Once again, Rob has produced a tale that builds a convincing reality -- and then hangs a sharp left into ... the you-know-what zone.<br><br>Robert M.<br>
You can't wait for inspiration. You have to go after it with a club.

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kailhofer
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Re: Old Business

Post by kailhofer »

I'll certainly agree with Robert that Rob's story was better written than "My Children." (Nothing personal, Mr. Bruno.)<br><br>At first, I was going to contend that it was only a strong scene, rather than a complete story, but, upon reflection, the truth is otherwise.<br><br>This story fits the generic plot I tout for stories: A likeable (or dislikable but engaging) protagonist has at least one problem, which he or she must try to overcome. Then, in the moment of truth, the hero chooses to do something (or not), and then succeeds or not in an interesting or revealing way.<br><br>The conflict is to convince the interrogator that an alien has been witnessed. In the moment of truth, the hero doesn't give in. In so doing, we learn that he or she is a prisoner, or it's a dream where that happened.<br><br>I think the setting was minimalized for effect. The descriptions of the dust motes indicated to me that good detail was capable of being given, but that the lack thereof otherwise was intentional.<br><br>The interviewer was flat, since that character never had any dialogue or description that wasn't in the memory of the protagonist, or from that point of view. <br><br>Apart from the "realty" line, only the bit about the neighbor "flashing" between the houses, and then his wife wanting the police called, was confusing. I couldn't tell if that meant he ran out there, or was illuminating the area with a flashlight. It caused me to wonder if they were calling the police because the protagonist was outside, but that didn't make a whole lot of sense.<br><br><br>On the whole, not many nits to pick. Nice job.<br><br>Nate
Last edited by kailhofer on October 17, 2004, 12:22:20 PM, edited 1 time in total.
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