Under the Bridge

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kailhofer
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Re: Under the Bridge

Post by kailhofer »

Well, I'm no sucker for this kind of story like Kate, but I'll agree with Donald that it was a great effort for only the second time out of the gate for Mr. Philibin.<br><br><br>Professionalism matters, and I'd recommend increased attention to editing for future efforts. Since some parts of a story need to be slow to set up later fast action, I'd also suggest letting the story ebb and flow by varying the size of some paragraphs with increased detail or action. Pacing is a hard skill to learn (although some writers fake it by getting excited when writing and forgetting to include details as they're going), and it can only be mastered with more writing.<br><br>I come from roots so blue collar that they back to ancestors who's only goal was to clear a patch of land big enough to sell, buy a tavern, drink it dry, and then sell it for enough to buy another stony, rock-ridden parcel of land and then do it all over again. (Or maybe they just weren't very smart, but they were very blue collar.) I'm a third-generation union man myself. As such, I recognize a person who knows blue collar speech, and the blue collar outlook on life, even though I have one of those namby-pamby, "off-white" collar jobs and went to college. <br><br>I hope Mr. Philibin never loses his touch with the laborer's heart. It may well turn out to be his best asset as his writing career progresses.<br><br>Finally, a writer who uses more than sight and sound to describe the world! Good job!<br><br>George was a good character. He was believable, and invoked sympathy for himself with never quite getting over the missing boys and that he wasn't really chicken for not going. I thought that he could have been more afraid as they approached the gate, and added to the drama if he had to work up his courage to go through (perhaps in an effort to finally silence his inner demons).<br><br>Elroy, on the other hand, was somewhat more one-dimensional, and varied from braggadocio to fear, back and forth. As for what really drove him, or where he was going in his arc, I couldn't say for sure.<br><br>The ending left us hanging. I bought in, invested care in George, and Elroy, too, but then the story just ended. The faces on the underside of the stones read as if they were the beginning of a new, darker chapter that would take us to a riveting climax later on, and not as the conclusion.<br><br><br>Bill was right when he said that this author has real talent, but in a raw, unrefined form. I hope he chooses to practice in here, in the future, as I wouldn't mind reading another from him.<br><br>Nate<br>
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kailhofer
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Re: Under the Bridge

Post by kailhofer »

but Nate, isn't being left wanting and hanging in mid-air so to speak part of he fun?
<br>I don't think this is the right application of that, Lee. <br><br>Now, if the old guy from the car on the bridge were to step from the shadows, give them a sinister smile, and then the story ended, I'd be fine with that. That ending lets me fill in the gaps myself. The ending as given just fills my head with more questions than answers. <br><br>I think endings have to provide some resolution. Finding them on the stones doesn't do that for me. Are they carved there as trophies? Are the kids imprisoned inside? If so, what put them there? How long had this been going on? Can they get the kids out?<br><br>I guess I like my yarns in nice, neat little balls, rather than tangled messes...<br><br>Nate
Last edited by kailhofer on November 06, 2004, 02:10:08 PM, edited 1 time in total.
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