Elsewhere by Fred Zachau

Tell us what you thought about the October 2004 issue!

Moderator: Editors

Post Reply
User avatar
kailhofer
Editor Emeritus
Posts: 3245
Joined: December 31, 1969, 08:00:00 PM
Location: Kaukauna, Wisconsin (USA)
Contact:

Elsewhere by Fred Zachau

Post by kailhofer »

Perhaps it's the troubles of modern day that moves us to escapism, perhaps it's nostalgia. In either case, this story measures out a healthy dose of it, and makes the reader yearn for the same escape.<br><br>This story's mechanics are done with professionalism, but what stands out is the setting and sense of futility that is constructed by the lengthy opening movement. In it, we see Jack Callahan's life cries out for change, for purpose, and the mysterious train just may offer it.<br><br>The lacking piece of the description was the full employment of the five senses to describe the world, which makes the scene more concrete for readers. It was as if watching on an omniscient television, devoid of taste, tactile sensation, and smell. (It might have been nice to remember the aroma of Suzie's perfume, for example, and how it hadn't changed.)<br><br>I thought the story had excellent characterizations. Well done.<br><br>Jack's conflict, that he needed to do something real with his life, leads him to the train. The problem that I saw with the resolution is that he doesn't deliberate over his choice to get on. We can deduce that the train is not of this world, and that by embarking he will leave it. We don't see that Jack understands the choice he is making, however. In his moment, which, in my opinion, should have been the climax, he just gets on. He doesn't call upon some heretofore undiscovered knowledge to make a choice--he notices the world doesn't contend to owe him anything and gets in the caboose. In so doing, I think a golden opportunity was missed to take the momentum of a good story and carry it into a great one.<br><br>I thought the dialogue and internal monologue were done well, and it helped the plot develop.<br><br>I look forward to reading more in the future.<br><br>Nate
Hardcover, paperback, pdf, eBook, iBook, Nook, and now Kindle & Kobo!
Image
A cooperative effort between 17 Aphelion authors. No part of any sales go to Aphelion.
fredz
Commenter
Posts: 1
Joined: December 31, 1969, 08:00:00 PM
Location: 0

Re: Elsewhere by Fred Zachau

Post by fredz »

I'd like to thank the writers of the three replies so far for their valuable critiques and kind comments. I know how essential the use of all five senses is, particularly when developing a sense of place, but, unfortunately, when I get to writing, I forget about all of them except sight. You, Nate, are not the first to make that comment. After being reminded a second time, maybe I'll remember.<br><br>I'm not sure I agree with you, Nate, on the ending. Actually I agonized over the ending for a long time, and finally decided to leave determining Jack's reasons for getting onto the train up to the reader. I believe that a number of people feel much like Jack--althought not to the same extent--and can can supply their own reasons.<br><br>Again, thanks,<br><br>Fred Zachau
Post Reply

Return to “October 2004”