Foray, by Mary Brunini McArdle

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Frank_Byrns
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Foray, by Mary Brunini McArdle

Post by Frank_Byrns »

Interesting modern day ghost story.

I don't know that you need the expository paragraph at the end, though. I was pretty sure what was going on without the narrator explaining it -- maybe without it, there's a bit more air of mystery to it?

And I'd be remiss not to point out a technical quibble: jarring tense change (written in present tense, when the rest of the story is past) the 12th paragraph in.

All in all, I liked it, and I think one _more_ DNA test is in order before we close the book on this one....
Megawatts
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Re: Foray, by Mary Brunini McArdle

Post by Megawatts »

Love shifts in time stories especially with a romantic tint, and this story was no let down! Good development, and good character description. The characters developed with the story which made for easy reading.

The only real criticism I might have is a moot point: I think a little more sensory input would have swallowed the read more into the story. After all, catfishes smell, but like I said it is only a moot point and didn’t take much away from the story.


"More money than a vet tech makes, Lauren. And you’ve been studying water chemistry on your own for a couple of years." Statements like this one individualize a person. Makes them unique!

I think it is much better to ‘on your own’ then I’ve been taking night courses! Shows more individual initiative!

Enough information was injected into the story to sound believe for their professions, but not enough to label it  ‘info dump?’ Good balance!

Lauren, Jim and Alex interacted very well together with smooth transitions. Nothing sharp or abrupt in language. And the meaning of each situation came through. Another good technique.

All in all a good read.  
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Megawatts
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Re: Foray, by Mary Brunini McArdle

Post by Megawatts »

Lee you right. The senory inputs with me were just a 'moot' point and they really didn't take away from the story.

As your writing a story, keep the senory input in the back of your mind, and only use them to enhance the story.

I believe a little senory input can go a long way.
Tesla Lives!!!
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