Helldiver (pt 1) by Dan Edelman

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kailhofer
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Helldiver (pt 1) by Dan Edelman

Post by kailhofer »

I was very pleased to see a story again from Dan Edelman, as he was a regular here a few years ago, going under the rather clever screen name of Unforgibbon. I've always enjoyed our discussions.

Dan's writing style has always been a crank up the volume, let-'er-rip, action bonanza. Kai Ferracane's adventures continue here, in much the same vein. This chap with the built-in body machine should practically be a terminator, because he just doesn't stop.

Dan has a very complicated universe and an uberplot that we don't know all of, involving Omen Swords, son of the "pirate" captain in this story. There is a steady influx of new characters in each story. He has a world of native species in a kind of pirate culture, clashing & mixing with off-world "western" technology and peoples. In that way, the peoples in the stories are themselves in flux, changing who they are as the world changes around them. Native terms and archaic spellings intermix with modern usage.

Adding all these things up... this is a hard story to read, from a series of them.

For starters, I think it fails the 200 rule. Ok, it's not a rule, just a theory, but I believe in it. That is, no matter what the size story--flash, short, or full-fledged novel--you only get 200 words to hook the reader. If the writer hasn't engaged the reader on a character or situation at that point, chances are the story won't be finished. Here, there's too much description too fast, not enough tension, humor, or human situation for my tastes. Describing the world in detail is good, using all the senses is good, but all of it right away fails to establish a narrative flow, especially for a story that isn't really about this character.

Along that vein, what's this story really about? A ship surviving an attack, and all that it took to do that. Thing is, I don't care about a ship, unless it is personified in some way. I care about the crew, or at least I want to. I think it should focus on an aspect of the human experience, while the attack is happening. Show me Cinnamon falling for Kai, and vice versa. Make it about Rodonovan worrying about his son, and his worry spoiling his judgment to the point where the ship almost is destroyed. Or better yet, make this story really about Kai sacrificing himself because of the guilt he feels for bringing the invasion on these people. Those are human things that I can connect with, that I really want to see while the invasion is taking place.

Just surviving (those who do) isn't enough for me.

My favorite part of this story is where Kai is walking around this ship, talking, and the crew is prepping for battle. Why? Because of the change in pacing. It's not blasting, acid-metal action. I like a pace that ebbs and flows, one that builds. I like climactic sequences, but even there you have to put in occasional points that relieve some of the audience's tension or they become numb to it. The battle sequence here numbed me, rather than carried me along. It was too long without a break. If you're emotionally numbed, you can't feel the anguish when someone dies.

This is a longer story, so there's some elbow room, but I think it could have benefitted from a smaller number of plotlines. For a short or novella, readability benefits with a simple conflict-resolution model. Cinnamon needs to survive. Rodonovan needs to save his ship. Kai needs to get the artifact safe. Kai needs to save Cinnamon, and also to destroy the armada in the heli. That's really too many. One, maybe two would have been enough, and Cinnamon's story was largely unnecessary. That focus helps the reader identify with the characters you want them to.

Dan has a gift for worldbuilding. He really does. He's got everything frm womyn to sea drakars, all manner of ships and weaponry, peoples and places. But all that specialized language is hard for a layman to pick up. So, while it's clear Dan knows what all these things are, I don't, necessarily. You've got to remember your audience, and not leave them behind.

So, ten out of ten for action, but not so much on drama, plot, and characterization.

I wish I could have had better news after these many years, but I have to call them as I seem them. Hope you'll find time for more writing soon, Dan. You've been missed around here.

Nate
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Post by doc »

unforgibbon wrote: Thanks again; the skewering brings back fond memories of when this forum was a rather more lively arena of disparate--and noisy--viewpoints. :)
Only thing stopping it from being again is all you folks reading this and not posting. Read a story, drop a note. Argue amongst yourself. :)
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