Helldiver (pt 2) by Dan Edelman

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kailhofer
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Helldiver (pt 2) by Dan Edelman

Post by kailhofer »

Sadly, I am this far behind on things, Dan, but I simply couldn't let this go without any feedback.

Usually, when no one comments at all on your story, you fear the worst. You shouldn't.

You've got great building blocks in this world of yours. Cinnamon caring for her shipmates, for Rodonovan. Ambra's relationship with Rodonovan. The way the Dagian Guard "aggressively" worries about Kai. Even the love of the sailors for their ship. Friendship from Goblin Rod. The gut-wrenching betrayal by Squeezebox after he'd been with Rodonovan for 30 years.

But... you'll notice that none of these blocks is crazy-fast, super-charged action. None of that had to do with the relic and getting it anywhere safely.

You write action well. You really do, but it's not enough. It's not what I read for, anyway. To me, give me someone to care about, make it tough for that person, make it risky, and then have them fight or think their way out.

My advice is to take your incredible ability to world build, these great character beginnings, and then put fewer of them in a simpler story where they have to interact in a non-violent way to get something worthwhile done. What you learn from that story could help you add meat to your larger universe. Battle scenes are great, but they need more in between, something that lets the story build. And, personally, I'd find a way to like Kai for more than being indestructible. Something endearing. Something that gives him a weakness, because it's the not the strengths, but the weaknesses in people that readers are drawn to.

My two cents, and that may be all they're worth.

Nate
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