Pilgrimage by Robert Moriyama
- Robert_Moriyama
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- Joined: December 31, 1969, 08:00:00 PM
- Location: Toronto, Ontario, Canada
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Pilgrimage by Robert Moriyama
What am I, chopped liver?
C'mon, no need to be afraid -- I'm ready to accept all your brutally honest wildly effusive praise! I promise not to be vindictive next time you submit a sotry*.
(*Sorry about the typo. Hard to type with my fingers crossed.)
C'mon, no need to be afraid -- I'm ready to accept all your brutally honest wildly effusive praise! I promise not to be vindictive next time you submit a sotry*.
(*Sorry about the typo. Hard to type with my fingers crossed.)
You can't wait for inspiration. You have to go after it with a club.
Jack London (1876-1916)
Jack London (1876-1916)
- Robert_Moriyama
- Editor Emeritus
- Posts: 2379
- Joined: December 31, 1969, 08:00:00 PM
- Location: Toronto, Ontario, Canada
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Re: Moon Walk
The check is in the mail.Mark Edgemon wrote:Robert has brilliantly merged script writing with story narrative, so the word crafting includes subliminal production direction, focusing the audience's attention where he wants...
Well written, sounds good when read aloud, fun for the whole family...if the whole family enjoys sci fi...or is it sy fy now?
Mark
You can't wait for inspiration. You have to go after it with a club.
Jack London (1876-1916)
Jack London (1876-1916)
- Robert_Moriyama
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- Joined: December 31, 1969, 08:00:00 PM
- Location: Toronto, Ontario, Canada
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Re: Ok, Ok, Here are some comments....
Heh. The story was written as my latest entry into the Toronto Star short story contest, which has a 2,500 word limit. While not quite as demanding as the 1,000 word limit for Nate's flash challenges, that does tend to make one a bit stingy on details. Unless, of course, you are writing a character piece, where ALL the action is internal conflict and personal growth (the kind of story that frequently wins said contest).McCamy_Taylor wrote:Keep in mind that I read some really long stories now, as the Serials Editor, so...
The first thing I noted was the brevity of the piece. Having an 8000 word limit is possibly a good thing, since it encourages writers to jump right into the story, without the usual two or three paragraphs of exposition.
Style was excellent (as expected).
The only thing I would suggest is a little more emotion. This could be accomplished through character development (the bureaucrat could stand to be a bit nastier so that his tumble is more satisfying). Or maybe the nostalgia factor could be upped. A description of the heroic footsteps? Turn them into a character, of sorts, and the drama of the piece would increase.
You can't wait for inspiration. You have to go after it with a club.
Jack London (1876-1916)
Jack London (1876-1916)
- Robert_Moriyama
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- Posts: 2379
- Joined: December 31, 1969, 08:00:00 PM
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The true origins of the Morgenstern thing?
The original audience (the judges for the Toronto Star contest) have almost certainly never read the Al Majius stories, so it wasn't a problem there. But why "Morgenstern"?Bill_Wolfe wrote:Pretty good, Robert.
But what's with the Morgenstern thing? I kept expecting him to cast a spell and have Al Majius show up and fight him...
Bill Wolfe
There was a Herman Wouk novel (later a movie starring Natalie Wood (whose birth name was Russian -- Gurevitch? Not sure.)) called "Marjorie Morningstar", about an actress born Marjorie Morgenstern whose name was Anglicized. (Morgenstern literally translated from the German is Morningstar.) This played into Aaron Morgenstern's egotistical self-naming as "The Morningstar" (which, if I remember correctly, is also one of the sobriquets for the angel Lucifer). So -- I could have called the U.N. official "Schmidt" or "Von Braun" (the latter having certain ironic connotations in this context), but the name Morgenstern was still stuck in my head.
People of German ancestry would probably object to my association of officiousness and obesity with Germans, but THAT probably stems from Sergeant Schultz of "Hogan's Heroes" fame, and any number of burgomeister types from popular fiction and movies.
So -- there you have it. I saw the character as German (definitely European, anyway -- I follow aviation news (part of my job) and am always astonished at some of the bizarre policies that seem designed to put airlines into bankruptcy implemented by the EU), and the name Morgenstern was stuck in my head as the first go-to name for a German character.
Sorry about that...
As for the telltale displays on the collar -- they may only have been there on suits designed for "tourists" who couldn't be trusted to interpret them. (That's my excuse, and I'm sticking to it. I never said where the displays on Murasaki's suit were located -- although I'd guess they were holographic heads-up images activated by voice command or automatically in emergencies.)
You can't wait for inspiration. You have to go after it with a club.
Jack London (1876-1916)
Jack London (1876-1916)
- kailhofer
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deja vu
I've read this before. I know I have.
Is this a reprint, or was there a link published to where it was in the Toronto Star contest maybe?
Regardless, I really liked the touch of having the other ship cover up the tracks. Very human.
Nate
Is this a reprint, or was there a link published to where it was in the Toronto Star contest maybe?
Regardless, I really liked the touch of having the other ship cover up the tracks. Very human.
Nate
- Robert_Moriyama
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Re: deja vu
I actually posted in here in the Forum (don't remember where, exactly), asking for comments back in (probably) early December. You're the only one who remembered! (So whatever else one might say about it, I guess it isn't the most memorable piece I've ever written...)kailhofer wrote:I've read this before. I know I have.
Is this a reprint, or was there a link published to where it was in the Toronto Star contest maybe?
Regardless, I really liked the touch of having the other ship cover up the tracks. Very human.
Nate
You can't wait for inspiration. You have to go after it with a club.
Jack London (1876-1916)
Jack London (1876-1916)
- Robert_Moriyama
- Editor Emeritus
- Posts: 2379
- Joined: December 31, 1969, 08:00:00 PM
- Location: Toronto, Ontario, Canada
- Contact:
"Nice short one!" (Sigh)
Reminds me of the song Olive Oyl sings in the "Popeye" movie (starring Robin Williams and Shelley Duvall): "And he's large..." (this being the only nice thing she can think of to say about her fiance, Bluto).Megawatts wrote:Nice short one, and a good topic.
Everything seemed to balance well, couldn't really find anything to nitpick about and, like some others, thought that Morgenstern would save the moon from some alien that hide in the original lunar lander!
Nice short one!
Fainting with damn praise...
You can't wait for inspiration. You have to go after it with a club.
Jack London (1876-1916)
Jack London (1876-1916)
You're right, Robert! I've been rather passive with my critiques lately, and
yours was just a mere mention. I usually do point out the good things along with areas that might need impovement, or change.
I retired last year and thought that I'ed have much more time to write.
However, I've been so damned busy with things, that I'm thinking about going back down to the plant and 'beg' for my job back! It seems I had more time to write when I wasn't retired. How strange: Events often do not turn out the way they were planned.
You critiqued my critique! Now, thats a real critique!
Remember: Only you can prevent book-burning!!
yours was just a mere mention. I usually do point out the good things along with areas that might need impovement, or change.
I retired last year and thought that I'ed have much more time to write.
However, I've been so damned busy with things, that I'm thinking about going back down to the plant and 'beg' for my job back! It seems I had more time to write when I wasn't retired. How strange: Events often do not turn out the way they were planned.
You critiqued my critique! Now, thats a real critique!
Remember: Only you can prevent book-burning!!
Tesla Lives!!!