Aphelion

I'm having a hard time defining my dissatisfaction with this story -- which isn't much -- just something about it needs a little refining, but it's very subtle. I guess there's too much narrative description in places, for one thing: more showing and less telling would improve it some. I think the sudden overreaction of the townspeople hit me a little wrong. The characterization in the first section didn't feel quite right for a seven-year-old -- then again, that fits the story. Maybe the first paragraph bothered me, with its overload of metaphors.

I'm afraid I can't be of much help on this; overall it's a very good story -- it just seems slightly out of tune with itself. I noticed a few places that were missing a needed comma, also.

It's a very affecting story, and I like it a lot for that; it deals with human burdens. Puts me a little in mind of Bradbury in that way.